Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2
Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2I see it in a stark, recurring dream: I call to himhe stumbles, and I cry.I reach for him, and touch the splintered beamhe hauls uphill. The darkness is...
View ArticleRe: Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2
Yol, this is beautiful.I have two small nits:In lines 1 and 2, second stanza, I first read "The darkness is supreme as angels." Then I realized "supreme" is the end of a phrase and "angels" begins...
View ArticleRe: Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2
Yeah, you're right, Margaret. "Holler" is no good there. I thought it was an actual word, rather than a colloquialism. I don't even know why I used it - it's certainly nothing that comes naturally to...
View ArticleRe: Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2
Yol,This is really good. The repetents cycle really well. And I like the conceitits in very tricky territory too.Angels ordered not to fly is great, it puts it in an out-of-time context, a dream or...
View ArticleRe: Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2
Revision posted.I'm still not 100% about the punctuation in the 2nd stanza.I also changed the "holler" bit in stanza 4. I'm not sure anything was achieved by having me speak in the middle of a poem...
View ArticleRe: Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2
No, I don't care for the comma after angels. But maybe you could change "as" to "when" pr "while?"Margaret
View ArticleRe: Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2
Hi Yoll - This has much of the feel of the 'Stations of the Cross' - the condemnation, the falling, the women of Jerusalem, the friend, the crucifixion. Many, but not all, are there.The line -and...
View ArticleRe: Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2
Revision posted. Editing to lines 4 and 5. Comments appreciated.(Dave Mc - I don't know what to do about the metrical issue in:"and wonder how much more blood will redeem" - I'm becoming okay with it,...
View ArticleRe: Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2
Hi Yol,I just came in on this fine Villanelle this am and I see that all the nits have been covered. This is very lovely. Judy
View ArticleRe: Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2
Thanks, Judy (and I'm glad I know your name, at last. Maybe I should pay more attention!)Do you think it needs a new title? The current one is rather dull, I think...?
View ArticleRe: Crucifixion Dream. REVISION 2
Tis ok, I have been getting Ms Labriola, etc Judy is great.Hmmmmmmmm How about something like "The Day the Earth trembled" Also, just a thought...should you be using capital letters on all HIS...
View Article
